Recent Bite-Seeing

Meatballs with Bolognese and Alfredo Sauce
Wild West Eatery & Cantina
Eagle, Idaho

Caprese
Wild West Eatery & Cantina
Eagle, Idaho

I am gradually creating new adventures by inserting familiar faces into settings that were once shared with my husband. It is a process, but I am finding satisfaction and pleasure in simple things. I continue to search for local events that will keep me happily distracted.

I kept the above meals low-carb by removing the noodles. I see my weight dropping again as stress and grief levels acclimate to this new life of mine. I feel relief!

It occurred to me yesterday evening why doing things alone bothers me in ways that it never did before. I am usually independent and unafraid of launching out on my own. When Barry used to work out of town, I often flew solo, but I felt secure in knowing that he would be returning. Now, with him gone, I have no choice. Strangely, that makes a difference. Thankfully, friends have been showing interest in joining me. I find this soothing.

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Reset

Understandably, these last four months have introduced me to emotions and challenges I have never faced. On June 8th, it will have been four months since Barry died! I have undoubtedly scaled some new terrain. While time seems to have evaporated, I have made some incredible progress.

Still, there has been discouragement. Since the day after Barry's passing, I vowed to stick to my low-carb/ketogenic lifestyle. I knew it was essential to stay the course and take care of me. I had lost 41 pounds! I was not willing to trash that success. Food could quickly become a pacifier, and I refused to let it.

Despite staying the course though, I began to gain weight. 

Out of necessity, I had abruptly begun a new vocation about five weeks after Barry died. I became a Patient Specialist with a major hospital. I had previous customer service experience but had never worked in the medical field. I had jumped directly into the fire and was enduring a longer commute to boot!

One day, after battling traffic, I pulled into a strip mall, horribly depressed. I felt like a spent, frumpy old woman whose waistband was beginning to choke my spirit. Seeing my reflection in my car's window offered no comfort.

Now, I believe that God is more willing to speak to us than we are eager to listen. (And no, Joyce Behar, I am not mentally ill.) In a still, quieting voice, He nudged me. He reminded me that five things factored into this weight gain.

1. The stress of Barry dying suddenly and leaving me on my own
2. Grieving his loss
3. Being thrust into a sedentary job—in a cubicle—for 8 hours a day
4. More driving time in rush hour traffic
5. Not getting enough sleep

I had left a more active position and a commute that was only 10-15 minutes each way. My life had undergone a major rehaul. My operating system was affected. 

So, I countered with positive steps...

1. Reading the Bible and plugging into peaceful, soothing outlets of strength and hope
2. Allowing myself to grieve and heal
3. Utilizing the four flights of stairs to my office, parking my car further away, and doing planks to strengthen my core
4. Leaving earlier for work to beat the traffic and listening to life-building audiobooks
5. Prioritizing my time so that I can get more sleep

I AM NOT GIVING UP!

Perseveringly,

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Saying Good-bye

I have been scarce lately. In fact, my last post was February 7, 2018, the day before my life—as I had known it for 33 years—was altered forever.

On February 8, 2018, my husband Barry Lee Miller attended VSSM with me. VSSM is a ministry school hosted by Caldwell, Idaho's Valley Church. Once class was over, students came forward to voice their prayer requests. Barry, who had been praying next to me, jumped from his seat and ran toward the front. Those who saw him coming reported a joyous expression on his face. (I only saw his backside.) His gaze was set on something unseen between him and the row of people. Suddenly, he fell forward on his face. He made no effort to catch his fall.

Despite every effort to resuscitate him, Barry passed away. The coroner determined that he suffered a heart attack—but not the kind that occurs with the familiar warning signs. She explained that a piece of plaque may have broken loose and clogged an artery, in which case death can be instantaneous. He suffered no pain.

We were all stunned. Barry had simply stumbled into GLORY!

Since losing his job, Barry had been in a positive and peaceful place. He was praying and devouring God’s Word, reaching out to others, and he was the happiest he had been in years. Brock, our 18-year-old son even commented, “Dad is so happy!”

Barry kept assuring me, "God is going to pour out His blessing and provision upon our family. We are under an open Heaven." I believed it. I just thought it included him. As I rehearse the 4 weeks before his passing, Barry seemed to be preparing me to forge ahead.

I had 33 years with this remarkable man of God. He was loving, funny, caring, sacrificial, dedicated, faithful, and his family was his greatest treasure on this earth.

There is no mistake that God orchestrated this homecoming in front of our watchful eyes. I do not pretend to understand the timing, especially since we were enjoying a new season of marriage and ministry. 

Home is the hardest place to be. Barry's spirit, resonating voice, and laughter added so much to our abode. I am still coming to grips with the reality that I am moving forward without him. Grief seems unbearable at times. I did not want to do this alone. Yet, I have this sense that God is guiding me to something extraordinary—a place that will begin to make sense of this arduous and complicated journey. 

I love you, Bear! You were my best friend and my biggest supporter. Until we reunite, keep cheering me on.

But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31

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Barry Lee Miller's Obiturary

Barry Lee Miller
at Briana Miller Lemos's Wedding

Barry Lee Miller, age 65, died suddenly on Thursday, February 8, 2018, in Caldwell, Idaho. He was born on January 28, 1953, in Reading, Pennsylvania, to Irwin “Buzzie” and Anita (Border) Miller. He will be greatly missed by his best friend and wife of 33 years, Karen; his 3 children, Briana, Bryce, and Brock, as well as his older brother Kenneth Miller, who still resides in Reading.

Barry served 8 total years in the US Marine Corps, ending his service in Southern California. There, he became a Christian, met and married Karen, and raised their 3 children. He moved his family to Idaho in 2011.

He worked most of his life in home delivery jobs: Alta Dena Dairy, Home Grocer, and Schwan’s. He loved reading the Bible, praying, and ministering to others. His pastimes included Penn State Football, military and sports movies with overcoming themes, and spending time with his 4 grandchildren.

Barry’s Life Celebration will be held on Saturday, February 17, 2018, at Valley Church, 2900 Life Way, Caldwell, ID, 83605, at 11:00 AM. There will be a Marine Corps Tribute, photos and video, spoken remembrances, and a luncheon following.

Memorial donations in memory of Barry Miller can be made to Valley Church, 2900 Life Way, Caldwell, ID, 83605.