Equilibrium

Bacon Wrapped Jalapenos
Stewart's Bar & Grill | Caldwell, Idaho

Parmesan Encrusted Salmon
Orphan Annies | Caldwell, Idaho

I have been a widow for over eight months now. I rejoice that I have made it this far! Grief, the stress of starting a new vocation, and the resulting sedentariness of life in a cubicle have undoubtedly caused havoc with my equilibrium. After losing 41 pounds, I am still creatively low-carbing, although I have mysteriously gained weight. It is incredible how a crisis can disrupt success.

I recently began seeing a holistic chiropractor, Dr. Rosie of Main Health Solutions. Dr. Rosie is a proponent of the ketogenic diet and natural healing. She agrees that the sudden changes in my life have created a disturbance. Much like a hard drive malfunctioning when its directory branches are broken, the body loses its balance when the nervous system misfires or fails to communicate properly. 

Truthfully, my back has been out of whack since the delivery of my youngest son—18 years ago. At 60, I have noticed that my posture is not where it should be. Xrays show that I have a bit of degeneration where I had my last epidural. 

I am looking for a life alignment, not just a repositioning of my physicality. 

This said I am continuing to do what I know to do. I believe that I will find my sure footing again. Cheryl A. Barrett wrote, “Time has no boundaries in matters of the heart.” Perhaps another revelation resonates with Shauna L Hoey's thoughts, “Heartache purged layers of baggage I didn’t know I carried. Gifts hide under the layers of grief.”

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Reset

Understandably, these last four months have introduced me to emotions and challenges I have never faced. On June 8th, it will have been four months since Barry died! I have undoubtedly scaled some new terrain. While time seems to have evaporated, I have made some incredible progress.

Still, there has been discouragement. Since the day after Barry's passing, I vowed to stick to my low-carb/ketogenic lifestyle. I knew it was essential to stay the course and take care of me. I had lost 41 pounds! I was not willing to trash that success. Food could quickly become a pacifier, and I refused to let it.

Despite staying the course though, I began to gain weight. 

Out of necessity, I had abruptly begun a new vocation about five weeks after Barry died. I became a Patient Specialist with a major hospital. I had previous customer service experience but had never worked in the medical field. I had jumped directly into the fire and was enduring a longer commute to boot!

One day, after battling traffic, I pulled into a strip mall, horribly depressed. I felt like a spent, frumpy old woman whose waistband was beginning to choke my spirit. Seeing my reflection in my car's window offered no comfort.

Now, I believe that God is more willing to speak to us than we are eager to listen. (And no, Joyce Behar, I am not mentally ill.) In a still, quieting voice, He nudged me. He reminded me that five things factored into this weight gain.

1. The stress of Barry dying suddenly and leaving me on my own
2. Grieving his loss
3. Being thrust into a sedentary job—in a cubicle—for 8 hours a day
4. More driving time in rush hour traffic
5. Not getting enough sleep

I had left a more active position and a commute that was only 10-15 minutes each way. My life had undergone a major rehaul. My operating system was affected. 

So, I countered with positive steps...

1. Reading the Bible and plugging into peaceful, soothing outlets of strength and hope
2. Allowing myself to grieve and heal
3. Utilizing the four flights of stairs to my office, parking my car further away, and doing planks to strengthen my core
4. Leaving earlier for work to beat the traffic and listening to life-building audiobooks
5. Prioritizing my time so that I can get more sleep

I AM NOT GIVING UP!

Perseveringly,

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Saying Good-bye

I have been scarce lately. In fact, my last post was February 7, 2018, the day before my life—as I had known it for 33 years—was altered forever.

On February 8, 2018, my husband Barry Lee Miller attended VSSM with me. VSSM is a ministry school hosted by Caldwell, Idaho's Valley Church. Once class was over, students came forward to voice their prayer requests. Barry, who had been praying next to me, jumped from his seat and ran toward the front. Those who saw him coming reported a joyous expression on his face. (I only saw his backside.) His gaze was set on something unseen between him and the row of people. Suddenly, he fell forward on his face. He made no effort to catch his fall.

Despite every effort to resuscitate him, Barry passed away. The coroner determined that he suffered a heart attack—but not the kind that occurs with the familiar warning signs. She explained that a piece of plaque may have broken loose and clogged an artery, in which case death can be instantaneous. He suffered no pain.

We were all stunned. Barry had simply stumbled into GLORY!

Since losing his job, Barry had been in a positive and peaceful place. He was praying and devouring God’s Word, reaching out to others, and he was the happiest he had been in years. Brock, our 18-year-old son even commented, “Dad is so happy!”

Barry kept assuring me, "God is going to pour out His blessing and provision upon our family. We are under an open Heaven." I believed it. I just thought it included him. As I rehearse the 4 weeks before his passing, Barry seemed to be preparing me to forge ahead.

I had 33 years with this remarkable man of God. He was loving, funny, caring, sacrificial, dedicated, faithful, and his family was his greatest treasure on this earth.

There is no mistake that God orchestrated this homecoming in front of our watchful eyes. I do not pretend to understand the timing, especially since we were enjoying a new season of marriage and ministry. 

Home is the hardest place to be. Barry's spirit, resonating voice, and laughter added so much to our abode. I am still coming to grips with the reality that I am moving forward without him. Grief seems unbearable at times. I did not want to do this alone. Yet, I have this sense that God is guiding me to something extraordinary—a place that will begin to make sense of this arduous and complicated journey. 

I love you, Bear! You were my best friend and my biggest supporter. Until we reunite, keep cheering me on.

But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:31

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